Saturday, July 7, 2018

from scratch.

I’m going to record what this past year of living in Jupiter has felt like. Setting roots after traveling non stop for 10 years and trying to set up a great life for myself from scratch.

I remember almost a year ago now sitting on our beach with the worlds best açaí bowl from the café on the corner of our neighborhood and being struck with a realization that this is what home is. I had never settled or attempted to cure my constant wanderlust. Living for 10 years in 10 cities, never even trying to set roots in any one of them because I always knew I’d be off to the next place as quickly as I came to this one. Racine, Menomonie, Monterey Bay, San Francisco, Barcelona, Paris, San Diego, Fort Lauderdale, Vegas and now Jupiter.

The less attached I became in each place to people or the city itself, the less pain I’d feel in leaving. So I got really good at making friends but not letting them get too close because we both knew our friendship was meant to be for a season.
Now here in Jupiter I was supposed to do the opposite and settle in. Fear of losing the life I was creating was almost a constant companion for months. I learned the hard way that grasping anything good that you fear losing ruins the thing you are grasping on to. The only way to experience gratefulness is to appreciate it without attaching to it and without living in fear of losing it.

What struck me that day on the beach around 10AM while I was relishing my perfect açaí bowl is that oh. my. goodness. I don’t think I’m leaving this place. Wow.

 So this is what my home tastes like, smells like, looks like, sounds like, feels like. 


 The sounds of the waves, the hot sun blazing down and my body perfectly enveloped in fine sand, the taste on my tounge of a perfect blend of the really freakin good expensive granola/almond butter/berries of the açaí bowl quickly melting in my hands, the view of crashing waves in front of me against the light blue cloudless sky and calm people walking by.


 It’s crazy how calm everyone is here compared to everywhere else I’ve ever been. If I’m being perfectly honest, sometimes it throws me for a loop.

This is home. This is my home. This is the feeling that all these people have in all these cities I have visited when they have set roots somewhere.

 I’ve journaled for hours on end, mediated almost daily and done so much yoga to help myself feel grounded here. To settle my fearful thoughts of losing this life I am actively creating. To settle my suffocating fears of not feeling worthy of this life. I’ve been so fearful of losing this home that often I wasn’t able to enjoy it.
By facing my fears head on, I’ve grown so much this past year. More than I ever knew I could in one year.

Now, here I am. I have given up so many addictions that I do not want to name here and I have begun to wonder if my constant wanderlust was another addiction I adopted to keep me from facing myself. I am sober now, and grounded here, and I have had to deal with all the ugly parts of me that I had been pushing down and never wanted to deal with. Bless my poor sweet mans heart for being there for me while I go thru such intense self transformation. I am forever grateful for his kind soul who forgives me and has witnessed me at my worst.

Another awesome challenge I have had this past year was making new friendships without liquid courage. I’m thrilled to share I finally have the perfect amount of quality girls in my life and it feels so dang good. Opening up to people has felt vulnerable but now that I’ve done it, it’s the best feeling. I feel accepted for the real and actual me. The person I really am, not the one I become a few drinks in.

At this moment, I am proud of the life I am currently living. Too often I am so very hard on myself but when I take a step back I realize how incredible everything is! I used to have so many terrible habits. Finally I have implemented so many positive habits in my everyday life that I completely forget they were once things I dreamt of accomplishing on a daily basis. I have overcome so many addictions and thru becoming sober I have had to deal with my deep insecurities that arose when I had to face the real me. Life is a beautiful journey. I will continue to strive to be the best self I can be.