Monday, April 20, 2020

3 months of happiness


i decided to free form write my thoughts out 
without really editing 
to keep my memories raw and real.


day after day i took photos of my sweet daughter all day long for 3 months. i thought one day i would separate the memories and months and make precious posts on here. i don't see that realistically ever happening so here's a big, beautiful jumble from truly the best 3 months of my life! 

esme is so incredibly sweet. lately she has started really waking up after long naps and looking around like she has never seen us or the room we are in before! she is starting to become so aware and she does this huge, gummy wide mouthed grin when we try to get her to smile. i just realized i never understood what people meant before when they said heart melting, but when i see her smile that huge grin - it literally makes me feel like my heart is melting. 

before she came, i was really scared of the newborn stage but once she was here i never wanted it to end! you hear how hard it is, how exhausting it is and how much they cry but honestly i loved every second of it. i loved waking up so early and being greeted right away with this precious angel baby i got to spend all day snuggling with in my robe, drinking strong almond milk coffees and getting to eat my "think" choc mint protein bar first thing before anyone else woke up. i loved laying all day in our tv room with her falling asleep on my chest and barely getting up all day except to take my placenta pills (lol), or eat a smoothie or buddah bowl or to make a loaf of fresh bread and feeling like even though i laid around all day long, i was doing the most important work ever - giving my little baby my undivided attention and kissing her chubby cheeks as many times as i could all day long. 

the newborn phase for me felt like heaven on earth. 
like bliss. 
soaking in every second with esme and sometimes feeling like she would grow an inch during a nap! 
experiencing that unexplainable love of a mother you cannot understand until you become one and just eating it up. 

more memories, dear esme, if you ever read this, you should know ...
 i love falling so in love with our neighborhood and the sense that we live in a legit giant park. 
you also have helped me find such peace being the biggest homebody ever. loving making this house so cozy for our little family.
cannot believe you get to grow up in this magical home by the sea in this beautiful, peaceful neighborhood. cannot wait to spend so much time with you in nature here in beautiful jupiter. 

that feeling of hearing your cry on the monitor and knowing when i walk into unswaddle you i will be greeted with the biggest smile! your cry is the best alarm - i get instant satisfaction instead of a normal job where an annoying alarm goes off and you have to do all the things to get ready and drive to work but with mom life - i hear you and jump up excited to be with you right away. 

everything has changed in the best possible way. even now, i am typing and uploading these with one hand as she eats listening to norah jones station! everything is sweeter with my little side kick. 

the photos are little memories that i never want to forget. some photos remind me of special little moments that evoke memories for me. from what we ate, to still moments of just her and i at 3 am feeds, to moments i felt pretty or i was proud of her papa - i cherish every second. i never expected to feel this happy as a new mom, but i honestly have only had maybe 3 "bad days" just because i am so in love with this little peanut. i look forward to her waking me up so i can get more cuddles in. 

trust me, i am well aware that motherhood will not always be a walk in the park but i hope i can look at the challenges that will come in the future as opportunities to become better and more aware instead of letting it make me angry and hard. 

esme ocean, maybe one day if you do read these words i hope you know i want to be the best person i can be so that i will be the best mommy i can be for you. you have made me so much better. i love you to death and am so glad you chose me to be your mom. i don't know why i got so lucky to have gotten such a sweet little baby, but i will spend the rest of my life being so grateful i got to experience motherhood because it has brought me more peace, joy and happiness than i knew a human could experience. i am obsessed with you. i can't even believe i used to not know if i would ever be a momma and that it wasn't the most important thing to me because now that you are here - i feel the best i ever have and i freaking adore being a mom. you were created inside of me and even now i watch you grow from feeding you. it is just mind boggling and incredible. the bond we share is unreal and i can't wrap my mind around how cool it all is. 

love you so hard.

- mommy